In an unprecedented move that has shaken the foundation of Destination Stars Hollow, Selectman Taylor Doose introduced a controversial bill at last night’s three-hour town meeting. The ordinance aims to restrict the consumption of all non-Luke’s diner coffee within a 500-foot radius of the town square, citing “aromatic disturbances.”
Citizens reacted with predictable outrage, with several members of the community staging an impromptu sit-in at the gazebo equipped with thermoses of mysterious origins.
“If I see one more paper cup with a green siren near the gazebo, I’m calling the National Guard.”
Local diner owner Luke Danes was seen crossing his arms and shaking his head in silent, grudging approval, though he later emphatically denied any involvement with the legislation to anyone who asked.
The proposal comes after a weekend where no fewer than three tourists were spotted drinking iced matcha lattes on the bench directly outside Doose’s Market. Taylor argued that the town’s historical integrity is compromised by “frivolous, overpriced bean water from corporate conglomerates.”
The Economic Impact
Local business owner Kirk Gleason has already applied for a permit to open “Kirk’s Black Market Beans” out of the trunk of his car, proposing a workaround that involves serving coffee in unmarked brown paper bags. The zoning commission is expected to reject the application by Tuesday.
As tensions rise, the town awaits the final vote scheduled for next week’s emergency meeting, which Taylor assures will feature visual aids and a 45-minute presentation on the history of small-town caffeination.